Empty Space Blog

When my wife, Heather, first asked me to write a weekly article for the Empty Space blog, I had a lot of ideas.  I would write about jazz, coaching, and living purposefully. I would write about  what we could learn about living fully from the people I admire:  my father, Pablo Picasso, Edgar Allan Poe, Ambrose Bierce, Jean Cocteau, Thelonious Monk, Robert Plant and Algernon Blackwood.  I still plan to write some of these pieces.

I really do.

But whenever I sat down to write, something else happened.  I would write about three sentences on each person, jot down a few additional ideas, and then just leave the article unfinished and start on the next idea.  I know why this happens – it’s an old pattern that’s been around for a while.  When I was growing up, I would lose my temper when practicing my instrument (I was a musician).  I was encouraged to just drop practicing and come back to it after I felt less frustrated.

Frustration
So now, when I want to write and I get frustrated, I stop.   But then my frustration increases because my desire to write is so strong– in fact, I consider writing and empowering people to change their lives, to be part of my purpose here on earth.  So, the more I feel like I can’t write, the more frustrated I become - and none of my frustration leads back to writing!  Finally, I decided to look long and hard at what was coming between my desire to write and my ability to get words down on the page.  I decided to pick apart the source of my frustration.

So what was bothering me?  Well, there were a few things:

Fear. Fear of failure.
Fear that I was going to write a truly bad piece.  Fear that everybody would see how bad of a column I wrote.  Fear that I’d prove to myself that I’m really not a good writer at all, that I really could not write at all.   If writing is my purpose, what if I’m not any good at it?   What would I be left with?

Perfectionism.
I felt like I had to do something really good if it was going to be my first blog entry.  I thought, ‘why even bother writing something if I think— I know— that it’s not going to be any good?’    I had to make a splash in order to make up for not having done it earlier.  I had to express myself precisely and perfectly and I had to be on top of my writing game— otherwise it wasn’t worth it.  I also couldn’t write unless I was ‘in the perfect frame of mind’ (as opposed to just sitting down, showing up, and doing the work, no matter how inspired I felt).

Resistance
I was also busy doing other things.  The one thing I wanted to do most was last on my list of things to do.  I spent time on everything else: I walked the dog; took care of tasks related to the coaching business; read articles on news— or even sports —on the Internet; watched television; checked my email repeatedly; or I went on Facebook.  I avoided even getting started because I thought somebody else might have had the same idea before I did, and I was hung up thinking ‘who am I to do this piece when somebody else would do it so much better than me?’

Does this sound familiar?  What blocks you from following through on your own creative projects?

Try this: take a blank sheet of paper and write down the first couple of things that come to mind when you think about why you— the unique, whole self that is you— were put here on this planet.  To give you an example: I would say, without hesitation, that the first thing that comes to mind for me is to write and to empower other people to improve their own lives.

Now try this: write down how much time you actually spend on the very things you just wrote down as your purpose.  How many days a week do you actually spend working on purposeful items?  How many hours of dedicated, quality time do you spend on the important stuff?

What would you do with your time?
If you’re spending as much time on them as you’d like, then great!  But from my experience as a writer and as a personal coach and therapist, I know that it is easy to block out time for everything else but the things that have a deeper purpose to you.  After all, it’s all well and good to block out time for urgent projects at work; the items on your to-do list at home; or to go out with friends, but how often do you actually block out time for those things that are truly and passionately your reason or reasons for being here on this earth?  Do you feel like it’s legitimate and just as important to block out time for these things?

It’s easy for me— and I imagine for you— to put my important items on the back burner while I attend to the many important and unimportant details of daily life.  In fact, we often bargain ourselves out of avoiding our purpose.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

• It’s not realistic to do it
• I can come back to it
• I’ll do it later
• It’s just one day
• I really have to take care of ____ today
• I’m not in the mood
• I’m being selfish
• I’m just going to do this one other thing first.

These are all examples of excuses, or ways of bargaining ourselves out of what we want.  And we all tend to have our favorites.

But what if you stopped listening to the excuses and started listening to your inner voice?  How would you live your life differently?  Try writing down on that same piece of paper how you imagine your life would be different.  What would you do differently in your day-to-day life?  Chances are that your life will include more activities related to your purpose.

How can you make space for your purpose?
Now, think about when, how and where you could make space for your purpose in your life. What would you need to let go of to make room for purposeful time?  Is there already some space in your life that you could fill with purpose-filled activity?

If you can find some time to work toward your purpose, then the question remains: what do you do with those excuses? How do you stop yourself from bargaining out of doing what you truly want to do?  I’ll cover that topic next week.

One more thing
Until then, I want to end this column with a shout-out to my wife, Heather Jassy, founder of Empty Space Coaching.  A week ago, today, was our anniversary and I am truly lucky to have met— much less married— such a brilliant, funny, creative, not to mention beautiful, woman who truly brings light into my life. It is your existence, Heather, that is proof to me of the divine.